Healthy Christian Dating
Christian Connection is an award-winning Christian dating website in the UK, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, USA and Canada. Since the UK launch in 2000, thousands of Christians have found friendship, love and marriage through the site. Christian dating relationships will be healthy only in case if you look in the same direction, share the same values and love the same god. There's nothing wrong in communication with people of the other confessions. Nevertheless, family life and sexual life in a religious couple demands to share similar values and aspirations. Healthy Dating Looks like Asking Lots of Questions and Much Communication If you are coming to the table whole—meaning you aren’t seeking for the relationship to make you whole, but you’ve found your wholeness in Christ and you are at rest in your spirit in how you see yourself and value yourself seeing and valuing yourself as God sees you you’ve met a major prerequisite for being in a healthy relationship.
Many believers are afraid to date because they aren’t sure what healthy dating for Christian singles looks like. They’ve seen those who have abused dating to satisfy the most recent sexual urge or the serial dater who never commits to truly get to know someone, but goes from one person to the next with no real plan. Then some are genuinely looking for a spouse but may lack the tools to date in a healthy way and they simply repeat the same mistakes again and again. Below I will share some tools to know what it is like to date in a healthy way.
Healthy Dating Looks like Friendship in the Beginning
When we watch a movie the love interests date and end up in a romantic emotional and physical relationship almost immediately. This has been naturally programmed into many of our minds that if a connection is to be genuine and real it must progress quickly. This is not true. It takes time to get to know someone and to build trust. It’s okay to take a relationship slower than the norm. It’s wisdom to avoid trying to manufacture a strong emotional, physical, or romantic tie in the beginning because that is not what keeps the relationship going. What will keep the relationship going is two people who are on one accord going in the same direction and choosing to do it together. We have to get to know someone.
Does this person have similar values? What are the red, green, and yellow flags? Is the person we are dating willing to grow and address the red and yellow flags? What is their character like? Does this person listen to you and others who offer genuine and sound wisdom or are they so headstrong that they only value their opinion? It’s amazing how wide our eyes are open to truly discern another person and where they are going in life when we don’t just focus on the romantic, physical, or emotional.
You’ll find that if the person matches you well and is willing to grow showing fruit; then, the romantic, physical, and romantic desires will grow anyway and they do not have to be forced. Don’t give up on a potential relationship because the romantic, physical, and emotional ties aren’t the strongest in the beginning. This also helps you to guard your heart so if it doesn’t work out you’re not as distraught. You may not end up distraught at all because you can find out closer to the beginning of the dating relationship if you and he will agree to move forward to pursue something that will be more than friends. See Amos 3:3 – How can two walk together except they are agreed.
Healthy Dating Looks like Practicing Self-Control
There should be a physical attraction to the person you choose to date and, in the beginning, you may feel a very strong sexual urge. That’s okay. It’s normal to be physically attracted to someone you find fine. You just have to make sure you maintain self-control. That means if when you go to bed at night your hormones are barking and you cannot stop thinking about being with them sexually to the point where you feel as though you have to act it out; you need to get some self-control. If you had self-control before you begin dating this new person; it will be easier for you to regain your self-control in this situation. If you did not have self-control before dating this person and you were hooking up with others to meet your sexual desires you may need to step away from dating and focus solely on gaining self-control before dating.
Communicate effectively with the new potential and let them know you need to step away to work on some things. A couple of tips for the previously self-controlled person who is just experiencing normal temptation. It may help to reframe the way you see the potential you are dating. When you want to fantasize about being sexually involved with your new potential; retrain your brain to think of him as your brother in the Lord. If you put him in the category of your brother; it will be less likely that you will think of him sexually. At the appropriate time in the future as things progress you can think of him as more, but now in the beginning he is your brother in the Lord and you are focusing on gathering data to get to know him, not getting out all of your sexual frustrations from all of the years. There will be a time for that just not now.
Healthy Dating Relationships
Also, set aside a day to fast and pray and seek the Lord about these newly elevated sexual desires. Invite God into the conversation regarding wanting to freak this new man and wanting to date him. Ask the Lord to give you grace which is the power and strength to honor God in the dating relationship. For the one who has never practiced self-control and it’s foreign to you; get with others in a healthy community who have had similar struggles and overcome them. Find older men and women to share your struggles with who can help you to walk the path of self-control and learning to depend on God in the area of sexual purity.
Healthy Dating Looks like Asking Lots of Questions and Much Communication
If you are coming to the table whole—meaning you aren’t seeking for the relationship to make you whole, but you’ve found your wholeness in Christ and you are at rest in your spirit in how you see yourself and value yourself seeing and valuing yourself as God sees you you’ve met a major prerequisite for being in a healthy relationship. You simply need to be familiar with your personal values and characteristics and you need to choose someone who aligns well with that.
You also will need to be well aware of your purpose for your life—your vision. Where are you going? What are your personal preferences in a partner? How important to you is each preference. If the partner had all of your value characteristics and a complimentary purpose; would you be willing to budge on one preference or two? What are your non-negotiables? I have a free template as part of my free training, “Top 3 Dating Fears” where someone can list all of these things on one form so you will have a picture of what you are looking for while you are dating. Once, you have this you’ll know the right questions to ask a potential while dating. Many people ask me what should they ask and I share that you need to simply be yourself. Also, listen well during your communication with this other person, observe body language and other actions. You can formulate more questions based on the other person’s responses and the flags that come up from what they share.
Healthy Boundaries For Christian Dating
As the potential reveals more about himself; you should be noting more questions that you need to ask to clarify where that person is. You may notice red flags, yellow flags, and green flags. Red means stop and address something, yellow means slow down and address something, and green means to move forward. I also have a form for tracking these as part of my training as well. I’ll also share some examples of this during the training. Ultimately, before you move to the next level of your dating relationship to a more serious dating relationship; you want to make sure you are on the same page by addressing and asking the right questions. Be natural with your questions. Just be yourself. Be humble and careful to honor and respect the other person in your question asking. It isn’t an interrogation, but an enjoyable experience of exploring another beautiful person who mutually respects you and you him.
Healthy Christian Dating
Healthy Dating Looks like Mutual Respect, Safety, and Digging Deeper to Build Something Solid
Never date someone you do not feel safe with. If you do not feel safe in the person’s approach in initially connecting with you; leave it alone. Pay attention to the Holy Spirit’s leading. Ask questions before providing your number to find out what the person’s value system is. I like to use a question during meeting guys out in public asking the gentlemen what is most important to him. This question allows me to see what his values are right off the bat. If it’s far out and not in alignment with what I am comfortable with; I can pass on providing my number. Each answer to the initial question of importance usually leads to more questions. See the free handout for example at the link: “One Question to Ask a Potential Free Download.” If I feel the values reasonably align; I may provide my number for further conversation. That’s when I talk to him once or twice before agreeing to go on a date to ensure he is of some sort of stable and safe mindset where I am not putting myself at risk with someone unstable. At this point, we can begin the process of dating with the wisdom of God and the wisdom shared above. I hope this helps with your dating life. Don’t be afraid to date; just date with wisdom and healthy boundaries, plus vision. Consider signing up for my free live webinar via Zoom Top 3 Dating fears at this link: Click here to register for the free webinar.